Reading: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell – Tucker Max

Posted by jswt | Posted in General | Posted on 29-09-2009


Thanks to Tim for the book recommendation that I can’t justifiably recommend to anyone else in my life, cuz I have too much respect for them. Read it on flight over, and on top of the Ativan, it was the perfect collection of confrontational articles that brought great glee to my narcissistic side.

Random amusingly tasteless snippet:

“It was the coolest thing involving alcohol I had ever seen. Being OCD, I had to see it again. And again. And again. Six rounds of Flaming Dr Peppers later, I was fucked up and we had nearly set the bar on fire.

People, heed my warning: That stuff is Special Olympics in a pint glass. You thing they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by five girls, giving your boxers to a bachelorette party because one of the girls is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned.

After that little fiasco, we head across the street to a dueling piano bar. We discover that one of the two piano players is blind. We are basically jackals who walk on two legs, so true to our nature, we focus on the weak one.

We must have given him about 20 notes with song titles on them. Finally, the blind piano player stopped his music and said, ‘HEY IDIOTS! Stop giving me written song suggestions. I AM BLIND! BLIND! I CAN’T READ THEM!’

One of the helpers came over and took the song suggestions over to the piano player who could see, and he broke out laughing so hard he couldn’t even keep playing. He kinda stopped the music and said into his mic, ‘Well, I would love to play these songs, but unfortunately I don’t know any of them. Let’s see if you know them Phil. They are:

-Please Kill Yourself
-I hope you trip on your furniture and die, Ray Charles
-I’m gonna steal your wallet because you can’t see who I am
-Have you ever fucked a goat by accident?
-You are blind because you masturbated too much as a child
-I’m gonna set you on fire
-Come to the bathroom so I can fellate you
-I bet you fuck ugly girls because you can’t see their faces
-I pissed on your shoes when you were at the urinal

And so on, and so on. Phil, you know any of these? I’m stumped.’

It was awesome. The irony was that while most of the crowd was aghast, the blind guy was laughing his ass off right along with us. I guess crippled people can be useful sometimes.”

If you’re not laughing by the end of that, I don’t think I can be your friend anymore, and you definately shouldn’t read the rest of the book


Comments (1)

I laughed my ass off reading it again. So horrible, and so funny. He published another in January that I haven’t read but am looking forward to. Love the adventure Matt… keep blogging… between you and Dave I’ve got an extremely interesting vicariosity going on right now. Godspeed.